I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
honey bunches of taint.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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