she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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