Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Randomize
