I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
