I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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