i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
