Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize