And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I think I just shit out all my problems.
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