Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
