I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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