a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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