This dress was meant to end up on your floor
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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