i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
