So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
