i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
