Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
