Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
