woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
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