In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
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