i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
