Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
