omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Randomize
