I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
