I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
