Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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