If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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