so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Randomize
