She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
