what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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