I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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