I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
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