I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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