I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
