All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Randomize
