i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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