U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
