You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
