Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
