She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
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