Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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