Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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