My underwear smells like fireworks.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
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