so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
