My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
