am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Randomize