I just pynch a tree in the face
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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