Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I take back everything I said about communal showers
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
