So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
