I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Randomize
