Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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