I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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