I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Randomize
