All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Randomize
