Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
