I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
